Category: I’m Dying.

Today, I endured unimaginable pain. My chest felt like a pressure cuff was placed on it, keeping it restricted and excruciating. My joints felt like a KFC leg being pulled apart with a fork, and my muscles felt like an eight-hour work out marathon. The feeling of fear and helplessness doubled by pain made it an experience I wouldn’t wish on my worse enemy.

If it weren’t for Kiva bars, and ibuprofen, I think I would have taken my life a few months back. The pain is constant, every day from the time I wake up, till the time I go to bed. Even while sleeping, I am woken up from spasms, and aches. The pain is relentless, and it has no discrimination, it’s the entire body.

The doctor can’t figure out what is wrong, the specialist is trying to figure it out. And the only fact I can live on, is that I will wake up in the morning, and be in for a day of pain, and management of that pain.

I own a company, I work anywhere from six to fifteen-hour days. Literally every day, I am behind the wheel. And it doesn’t help the situation with it being winter and all.

Cold, crisp, dry air just enhances the pain to a new level. Sometimes, Kiva and the Ibuproferen do not work. And I am forced to shut down part of my shifts, because… to increase the dosage, means I have to stop driving, as it does impair driving at a higher dosage. I refuse to lose my license because my business depends on it.

I watch some of these kids who only have to work four to six hours, who complain, and over the stupidest shit. Like exhaustion, or twinges in their back or legs. They ask to get off early and to have a few days off to recuperate.

Tenacity, ferociousness, stalwartly, robust, spunk, steadfastness, backbone, true grit, what it takes. These are words, concepts, definitions of character that is lost on this generation. I have hired many people who are young, and almost every one of them has been terminated. Not because of my biases, but for their lack of ambition, lack of follow-through, and simply not showing up for work. They think because they have a headache, it’s ok to call in sick. They think because of an issue with a co-worker, they can call in and take a stance with them or our demand.

It’s no secret around me, every morning for the past decade, I have a couple of hours of suicidal contemplations. But every day, I work on and muster through. Because the next day might give me something awesome that is totally worth the wait and the suffering. Like finding the best woman I ever met. Like landing myself a person who is willing to support the company.

So no matter how much you hurt, no matter how sad you are, no matter what kind of situation you are in. If you grit your teeth, pucker up your bunghole, and grunt through the tough times. Life will be just a little grander the next day.

 

2019 has been an interesting year, with both positive and negative events.
I was diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy. (This is a very painful disease)
I started up a Taxi company prior to diagnosis, and it’s now just starting to see success.  Had a falling out with the owner of another cab company. I was his manager in houghton hancock area.  until I realize that He was a real leech, and a complete loser. Not one iota of thanks from him, especially after I sank thousands of dollars through out the year, into helping him stay in business. Instead he just tries over and over to put me out of business with lies, and drama with customers, and constantly  calls the cops on me. The cops now just ignore me. They see the drama and have said they would rather the others go out of business. My style of business is what people want in the area.

Finally went home to see family after 8 years. It wasn’t quite that bad, at least not as I imagined it would have been. It turned out to be a really good thanksgiving. Suprised the youngest brother didn’t turn into a drunken jackass. Was actually fun.

I’ve been dealing with some pretty fucked up depression as of late. Especially with the dystrophy slowly killing me. Every morning I wake up from nightmares, and suicidal thoughts. But I always find a way to make it through the day.

I’ve decided that I would give myself 6 projects to complete before I kick the bucket. I wont allow myself to do anything stupid until the projects are done.
1. Make 12 3’x3′ stained glass windows
2. Make 2 9×9 center stained glass windows
(for two mosaic stained glass windows of mother nature, bees, flowers, and sunlight)
3. Finish the second book, a follow up to Minnesota Winters, called 10,000 tears.
4. Make 100 unique Clay pots or sculptures
5. Paint two 10’x8′ paintings (one surrealistic, one classical realism)
6. Ask Mel to move in with me.

At least with goals in play, less likely to ponder on the stupid.

Well anyways.. It’sbeen a long stormy day today in Houghton. Snow is deeep, and I am exhausted.
Will pick this up another day.

I’ve been using KIVA bars, and taking large doses of ibuprofren. These meds combined have been wreaking havoc on my digestive system, yet the two work together to create a pain killing compound that is non-addictive, and more powerful than opiates.

The downfall to using KIVA on a daily basis, I am starting to build up a tolerance. Which means I have to take more and more. When I up the dosage, from 1 tab to 2 tabs and now 3 tabs, I get a high like feeling but not in a good way.  The pain goes away, then I can barely  keep my eyes open. Sleep takes over and rest is spotty.

I was also diagnosed with Mononucleosis this past friday, that’s what Get for having a fling with a woman, 8 years celibate, and the first one I lay with, gives me mono, because apparently she likes to sleep around.

So on top of the pain, I have to deal with chronic fatigue. And for mono to go away, one needs  a lot of rest, and rest doesn’t come easy when there is a constant unrelenting flow of pain in the shoulders, knees and muscles.

I know that I’m getting old, but..

Do we have to drop dead like an old ford car? Run till we clonker out to a sputtering death? What a shitty way to experience an end game…

I made a promise to myself. When I become wheelchair bound, and before I lose complete use of my hands and arms. I’m eating lead.

I will not die with my dignity shredded!

Went 2 months ignoring the pain, and symptoms, such as inability to swallow food, keep it down.  Breathing has become difficult, even with medication, almost like muscles are failing. The knees buckling at random moments, and walking has become so painful that it’s almost to much to try and get to my feet. My shoulder and shoulder blade pains so severe I was rendered unconscious.

I finally went to the hospital. Exactly the reasons why I don’t like hospitals. Here stands my proof. “Nothing ever good comes from going to an ER”

I was diagnosed with degenerative bone-loss disease aka Osteoarthritis and Miotonic Muscular Dystrophy. I am not upset, I am not sad. I am outside the motions of denial and acceptance. It is what it is, and this is my plight I must endure.

In the course of 11 weeks I went from being active, mobile, and zany, to being
placated on the couch, and barely able to make it to the bathroom on time. I started a company, which I fear I may have to sell or shut it down because I can no longer stand the pain that comes with doing my job.

My hatred for life has only been compounded on top of the other shit.
There is no anger, there is only a wish.

“Make it fast, and painless as possible!”